FAQ: Side identity, gay sex, and real-world questions

A side is a man who generally does not want anal penetration as part of sex. In plain terms: he usually doesn’t want to top (put his penis in someone’s ass) and doesn’t want to bottom (have a penis in his ass).

That doesn’t mean “no sex.” It means you prefer other sexual activities as the main event: oral sex, hands, mutual masturbation, frottage/grinding, rimming (if you like it), toys (if you like them), and whatever else you and a partner genuinely enjoy.

Side is not a moral label. It’s a preference label. It exists so expectations are clear and people stop treating anal sex as the default goal.

No. Being gay means you’re attracted to men. That attraction can be intense and real even if you don’t want anal sex. Orientation is about who turns you on. “Side” is about which acts you actually want to do.

A lot of men love men’s bodies, smell, skin, kissing, oral, and sexual energy — and still don’t want penetration. That’s not “less gay.” It’s just a different preference.

No. Sexual orientation describes who you’re attracted to (men, women, both, neither). “Side” describes what kind of sex you prefer.

A side can be gay, bisexual, pan, queer, questioning, or still figuring it out.

No. Many sides have a strong sex drive and think about sex often. They’re not “shy” or “low libido.” They just don’t want anal penetration as the centerpiece.

Side sex can be very sexual and very physical: long makeout sessions, oral (giving and receiving), jerking off together, edging, mutual orgasms, frottage, body contact, kink, toys, roleplay — whatever two consenting adults want.

It’s common, but it’s not a requirement and not everyone’s favorite. Porn and dating apps make it look like everything revolves around topping and bottoming, because it’s easy to label.

In real life, many men rarely have anal sex, only do it under specific conditions, or don’t do it at all — by preference.

Yes. If arousal, desire, stimulation, and orgasm are happening, it’s sex. Penetration doesn’t get to decide what counts.

People call side sex “just foreplay” when they assume penetration is the end goal. For a lot of men, oral + hands + body contact + orgasms is the main event.

For some men it’s stable for decades. For others it can change with age, health, stress, trauma history, relationships, or simply becoming more honest about what feels good.

You’re allowed to update your label. But you’re also allowed to stop explaining yourself. “No anal” is a complete sentence.

Yes — if you’re compatible in the ways that matter. “Top” and “bottom” are often shorthand for what someone is willing to do. Plenty of tops and bottoms enjoy oral, making out, frottage, and non-penetrative sex too.

The real question is: does the other person require anal sex to feel satisfied? If yes, it may be a mismatch. If no, you can absolutely have a great sex life.

You might be — but receiving oral by itself doesn’t define anything. Plenty of tops, bottoms, and vers guys love blowjobs.

The “side” question is: do you generally feel most satisfied when sex is oral, hands, and mutual pleasure — and you don’t want it to “progress” to anal?

If your ideal sex night is making out, getting a blowjob, jerking off together, grinding, and finishing — and you feel relieved that anal isn’t on the table — that’s very side-coded.

Possibly. Many sides love giving oral because it’s intimate, direct, and very sexual without penetration. For some men, giving oral is their favorite act.

Again, the key is whether you want anal as part of your sex life. You can love giving head and still be a top, bottom, vers, or side — the label depends on what you want overall.

Yes. Side isn’t a lifetime contract. It describes your preference now.

Just don’t use “someday” as a way to avoid being honest with partners today. If anal isn’t on the menu now, say so. If you ever change your mind, that can be a future conversation.

Yes. Pain and anxiety are valid reasons to not want anal sex. You don’t need to justify your boundary.

Some men experience pain even with prep. Others get anxious and can’t stay aroused. For many, the mental pressure — “I’m supposed to do this” — kills desire.

Side is a useful label if it helps you stop forcing yourself into something your body doesn’t want.

No. “Foreplay” implies there’s a “main event” coming next. Side sex often has no “next.” The blowjob, the grinding, the mutual orgasms — that is the sex.

If someone calls it foreplay, they’re usually revealing their assumptions, not stating a fact.

Sometimes, as shorthand. Some sides will say “I’m side, but I’ll top with a toy” or “I’m side, but I like rimming.” Others want nothing to do with the role language.

The point is clarity: what do you want to do, what don’t you want to do, and what’s non-negotiable?

It can be normal. A massage is intense physical touch. Bodies respond to touch even when your identity label is “straight.”

For some men, arousal in that situation is purely physical (nerves, pressure, relaxation). For others, it reveals a real sexual interest in men. The only honest answer is: what did you feel emotionally and mentally, not just physically?

Not automatically. But it may be a sign you’re not as rigidly straight as you thought — or it may just be your body responding to touch.

If you’re fantasizing about men, seeking that experience repeatedly, or wanting sexual contact beyond massage, that’s stronger evidence of attraction.

This happens more than people admit. Desire can evolve, especially as you age, become more honest, or feel safer with yourself. Sometimes it’s a long-buried part of you. Sometimes it’s new curiosity.

Thinking about men doesn’t automatically mean you don’t love your partner. It means you have a topic to handle carefully.

Not necessarily. Many people didn’t have language for themselves earlier. Some people forced themselves into a sexual role because they thought it was required.

Dishonesty is a choice. Self-discovery is not a crime. What matters now is whether you handle it with integrity.

Fantasies are not actions. Cheating is defined by agreements, not thoughts. But secrecy can become a habit — and habits can become actions.

If this is escalating, talking to a therapist can be a smart, non-dramatic step.

Not necessarily “right away,” but don’t build a double life. If your needs and boundaries are changing in a way that affects your relationship, hiding it usually makes it worse.

A common approach is to get clear with yourself first (what you want, what you don’t, what you’re not willing to do), then talk calmly — not during a fight.

No. Asexuality is about sexual attraction (how often you feel it, how you experience it). Side is about sexual preference (which acts you want).

Many sides are highly sexual. They just don’t want anal penetration.

That could be low libido, stress, depression, medication effects, relationship issues, or an asexual-spectrum experience. It doesn’t automatically mean you’re a side — and it doesn’t automatically mean anything is “wrong.”

If this is distressing or new for you, a clinician or sex therapist can help you sort out what’s going on.

It means sexual intimacy between men. That intimacy can include anal intercourse, but it doesn’t have to. Gay sex can be oral, hands, mutual masturbation, frottage, kink, toys, intimacy, and orgasms — with or without penetration.

The common misconception is that “gay sex = anal.” That’s not reality. That’s a narrow stereotype.

They’re shorthand labels about anal intercourse roles and preferences: top = penetrating, bottom = being penetrated, side = prefers sex without anal intercourse.

People talk about them because apps made them a sorting system. That sorting system helps some people and annoys others — especially people who don’t fit neatly into it.

Many things: making out, oral, hands, mutual masturbation, frottage/grinding, body contact, edging, toys, kink, roleplay, rimming — plus all the non-sexual intimacy that makes sex better.

“Common” varies by culture and person. The point is: there are many satisfying options besides penetration.

No. Many do. Many don’t. Many only sometimes. And many men enjoy the idea more than the reality.

Yes. Curiosity doesn’t come with instant clarity. It’s normal to know what turns you on and still feel uncertain about what you want to do in real life.

Move at the speed of your genuine yes.

Then you’re incompatible — not broken. Their time is not more valuable than your boundaries.

A good match is someone who wants what you want, not someone trying to negotiate you into a role.

The word is newer. The preference is not. People have always had sex without penetration and still called it sex.

False. Many sides are highly sexual — they just don’t want anal intercourse.